I’m feeling a bit shit.
I wanted this blog to be part of a morning ritual. But just as some people become religious only in times of upset, so too have I approached this blog to vent in my time of need.
First, let me remind myself that life is not all bad. The population density in London. Some folk believe in my game. I (sort of) had sex last night. These are all good things that I might explore later.
But now she’s gone. And I see my purpose in life as gaining backers for my project.
I put my game onto Kickstarter over a month ago. My plan was always to spend the first month soliciting reviews, improving the page, doing art and videos, then spend the 2nd month just shouting about it and gaining backers.
It’s just a lot more work, emotionally, than I realised. Folk talk about how much work it is. That’s debatable. I can’t tell because I don’t know if I’m doing enough work to make a successful project.
What I do know is that it’s been slightly depressing at times. To hope for your next backer. To offer rewards that no-one has interest in. These are trivial matters and it’s certainly a bunch of 1st world problems. I think that part of my issue is that having invested so much time and emotion into this project, a lack of uptake suggests a failing and a lack of worth in me. I would do well to ignore numbers and just try things as best I can and see what happens. I wish I could be that logical and need to remind myself that worst case scenario I can cancel.
Repeat to self many times. If I fail, it does not mean I am a failure. I can try again.
I worry though – in doing this project, I hoped to actually learn something. I have learned practically nothing of use. What were my surprises?
That I found myself far more emotionally invested than rational.
That even though people have pledged money, only about 5% of them will take the time to join a FB group to help you out. That was a really big surprise. I know not many folk use FB, but those that do – I thought – would be invested enough to click 2 buttons, given that they had pledged money.
That soliciting reviews is hard. Most reviewers won’t even write back to you. Nearly all of the remainder will just say that they don’t review KS games until they’re actually published.
I honestly don’t know if a 2nd attempt would be successful and so I still feel like a failure.
Also, having lost my job and having no money whatsoever coming in is a real concern. I have enough to survive for another 3 months but after that I don’t know. I try to ignore the issue but that’s probably the worst response. And yet, it’s what I’ve always done. I need to break that pattern.
I probably need to break a lot of patterns.